Vatsan’s Ramblings

I woke up clearheaded. For the past several days, I had been all murky in my mind. So today, I’m pretending to be a kid who believes in Santa Claus, who woke up to find his wish granted. The coincidence seems apt. And it’s snowing…. Festivals have the power to change the mood and ambience of the world around us – mostly for the good. I’m starting to enjoy these days despite my lack of religious affiliation.

As I stood in Starbucks, I saw a black guy standing in a corner, not fitting in. He didn’t fit in not because he was black, but because of the way he was dressed – clothes that conveyed cleanliness and poverty at the same time. I looked at him briefly, took care to not make eye contact and wondered about him. It occurred to me that maybe, he was at a Starbucks, which is a store rarely visited by the poor, that maybe he was there because no other stores were open on Christmas day. After that brief consideration, he was gone from my mind.

The line was long – about 20 customers ahead of me. Sigh!

I suddenly hear someone standing next to me, speaking to me. “Sir, Can you please buy me a bacon sandwich?”. It was the same black guy. I’d normally judge, ponder and consider the request at length, but something within me blurted out, “Sure, I’d be happy to get you whatever you want”.

“Thank you sir, I really appreciate it”. The accent was, of course, typically ebonic.

After a few moments of awkward silence, I asked him,”So, what’s your name?”.

“Antwon”. I later Googled and found out that the name Antwon is a variant of Anthony.

I extend my hands to shake his, and introduce myself.

We stood in the line together for over 5 minutes, perhaps longer. No polite conversations – mostly I didn’t know what to speak to him, and I really did not want to embarrass him by trying to talk about something he would be reticent to speak about. I felt that I owed him a few minutes of peace, and the sweet anticipation of warm food.

He clearly had never been to Starbucks until now. When the barista started taking drink orders, he asked about sandwiches. Which is arguably a Starbucks Faux Pas. I explained to him that he should wait until he is closer to the food display and then make a pick. And suggested that he should get whatever else he wanted.

He bought a bacon sandwich, a loaf of chocolate-bread and a bottled drink. And I decided to get him a gift card for $10 he could use at Starbucks again – I hoped that he wouldn’t have to go hungry at least for the day. He seemed grateful. Then he left in a hurry.

It’s snowing outside – I hope Antwon finds a warm shelter.

Thinking back, I might have been his Santa Claus for the day. But of course, there is no Santa. It’s all a big series of accidents, one after another. And oftentimes, our actions are motivated by the feel-good factor it brings to us afterwards – an entirely self-centered motivation which, as a side effect, benefits another person. And now I truly can’t decide what the distinction between altruism and selfishness is. I think they might be two sides of the same coin.. And having thought this thought, I can no longer feel happy for the coffee-shop experience . But I suspect that it doesn’t matter very much…